Self Control

Self control is not calling out to your sisters in the street

Because it’s uncouth

It is pretending you are full because it’s rude

To take a second slice

It is pacing instead of picking up the phone

To call an ex lover

And not running away when they’re nipping at your heels

For the sake of composure

Self control is holding back tears that might avalanche

Into solid fits

The biting of nails that substitute the hard spitting

Of unpleasantness

And a million other things we swap and bargain over

“I’ll give you a heart attack for staying even though it hurts”

“And some cancer if you’ll hold this guilt a little longer for me”

“Or a big gold star because you learned restraint”

“I’ll pin it on my heart disease; I’ll lay it by my sadness strong, all for you and self control”

“For you”

If self control is command over you, then why is it control?

If I am one person, then how can I control myself?

Self control is recruiting schizophrenia for a suicide mission

Hiring a hit man – and the target?

You

Self control is hiding feelings so when you really need them,

You won’t find a single one

Staying at the desk although your heart is swollen and your brain bust

Because it’s not knock-off yet

Self control is mistaking masochism for fortitude

And running some gauntlet

Of bruising illusion and sorry stray animals picked up for pity’s sake

And forgotten soon after

Self control is staying in a job you hate, and waking with a bruised brain every day

But staying because you don’t leave one job until you have another

Self control is forcing down coffee because there’s no time

For resting

Angela Sidoti © 2006

--- 20 October 2006 ---